My Husband’s Bid to Save My Life

Tonight my husband came home from his trip and said he’d been thinking about us. “Good thoughts,” he told me. I was hoping it would be something along the lines of, “I feel more at home with you here than anywhere else.” (Because he moved here and gets so homesick even after 12 years together).

But instead he said he wants us to start exercising together in the evening. He’s going to put my treadmill beside his elliptical and we’ll watch a show together and do it as a team. My heart sank at first. I wanted it to be good thoughts about me as in - a “just because I love you” statement.

Then he went to bed and I sat down with a bowl of ice cream staring me in the face. I ate a few bites and glanced at a picture I had recently uploaded to Facebook of me about 2-3 days before my husband and I met in person (we had known each other online for a year). I thought I was fat then. I was 155-160 pounds.

That’s me on the left (blacked out my son’s face because I don’t show my kids online). I was a size 10-12 depending on the clothes.I walked 4 miles a day and swam in our pool.

I realize that it’s not fair to him, our kids OR myself that I’ve let myself get so enormous. Or what’s the word kids use today - Ginormous? That’s me.

I started thinking about how sad it would be to see someone you love eat themselves into oblivion. You’d worry about their health, for starters. At 260+ pounds, I have no health problems YET but we all know that YET is a ticking time bomb.

I always dread going to the doctor’s annual checkup because I’m afraid it will finally be the time she tells me I have diabetes, high blood pressure or out of control cholesterol. Knock on wood I’ve avoided it so far.

So here’s my poor husband. He loves me. He doesn’t want to see his wife like this. He can’t browbeat me into correcting it. He can’t do it for me or I know he would. He watches me sit on the couch day after day, eating whatever I want. He sees me start a treadmill plan and watches it fizzle after a week or two.

So here I am now. 100 pounds heavier. What’s really weird isn’t that I’ve gained a lot of weight - that part’s easy to figure out why - it’s what its done to my whole mentality.

I used to be confident.

I now second-guess myself.

I used to be a real smart-ass.

I am now shy and can’t seem to think in a quick witted way.

I used to be very active with my son.

Now my kids ask me to play and I often hear myself say, “Okay, later.” I do play with them but nowhere near what I want to but don’t have the energy for.

I used to be a social butterfly.

Now I am paralyzed with fear to be in public. A true hermit!

I used to go on rollercoasters, drive fast and plan vacations to exotic destinations I wanted to visit someday.

Now I grip the wheel if I have to drive over a bridge. Forget anything else on the adventurous side.

I used to love shopping for clothes and fixing myself up.

Now I figure, “What’s the use? It’s ugly with or without a little help from L’oreal or Maybelline.”

So here I am starting to see this in a different light. I have always had a chip on my shoulder about my husband even talking about my weight. But maybe it’s time I knocked that chip off and realized the man just loves me and wants me to be my old self again.

So while I told him we’d start Monday (trying to buy myself a few extra days of laziness), I am going to email him and let him know we’ll start tomorrow (he’s already asleep tonight). I’m going to try to not feel judged by him but loved by him instead. I’ll be grateful someone cares enough to push me and walk beside me and talk to me to try to prevent me from giving up.

To be honest, I’m feeling very loved right now.

How about that? Maybe this time I’ll succeed. All I know is even though I have a wonderful family and a great career, there’s still something I want in life - to be a normal size again and feel healthy about myself.